Tradin' Paint on a Saturday Night

We gave the World Cup a go a few weeks ago - it feels like six months ago as that thing just won't end - and figure it is time to pony up and catch a NASCAR race.
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I have no clue why NASCAR is so popular, perhaps some insight tonight will help me out here a little bit..

In an effort to fit it, I've googled a pre-race checklist for fans around the globe before they drop the starting flag (I'll admit, I don't know the color of the starting flag and don't care enought to look it up) in approximately 70 minutes.

Let's have a glance at the checklist for tonight's big race, the Lifelock.com 400 from Joliet, Illinois....Lifelock.com 400? Wow, sponsorship must be a bit scarce.

1 - Wash hands in motor oil to create greasy-fingernailed look. Check.

2 - Personal grooming - I showered today...but didn't shave. It'll have to be enough.Who knew?

3- Tin of Skoal and accompanying red party cup to spit in. Check.

4- Soiled John Deere cap, frontwards. Check.

5 - White tank top undergarment, or "wife beater" is on and ready to go. Will put appropriate stain on shirt later tonight. Check

6 - As I possess all of my teeth, I had to blacken out one tooth to meet requirement #6.

7 - Hone skills on southern drawl. ---Git 'er done!; Ya'll; Dam gummit!; Sheeeet!...Check.

8 - Beer. Check.

9 - Beer gut. Check.

10 - Official merchandise of favorite driver - Don't have a favorite driver so this isn't possible. I root for the 24 car as everyone, for some reason, seems to take a disliking to Jeff Gordon. For purposes of irritating as many people as possible, we'll go with the 24 car.

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I'm ready and I'm focused. 400 miles of thrilling action. Here we go:

6:30 p.m. - I'll skip pre-game show. I have a life.

7:40 p.m. - Where's the action, i thought we had a 7:30 start time. Think I'll watch some baseball while we wait.

8:07 p.m. - We are 37 laps in and I have a headache. It's either my chewin' tobaccuh or i tied my bandana on too tightly. Something's gotta give here.

8:17 p.m. - 11 baseball games on TV and Roy Halladay and Gavin Floyd are throwing peas for the Team Pugsley Baseball Club.

8:18 p.m. - Note to self - They replay all crashes on Sportscenter tomorrow morning, like 28 times.

8:20 p.m. - There is a Tums 00 car...wish I had some, watching this is nauseating.

8:23 p.m. - More left turns

8:32 p.m. - Look kids ! Big Ben, Parliament.

8:37 p.m. - Random thought....what happens if a driver has to take a whiz? I can't drive down the street to get ice cream without having to go, much less drive 400 or 500 miles.

8:45 p.m. - Cincinnati's Travis Wood is perfect thru 7 against the Phils...back to the race.

8:48 p.m. - McMurray challenges for the lead against Johnson. ACTION! I think i might have wet myself....wait....wait....wait........nope, all clear in my world.

9:02 p.m. - And around, and around, and around they go. On a good note, the baseball games are getting tighter in the later innings.

9:05 - Wood is perfect thru 8, Reds and Phils tied 0-0.

9:06 - Welcome to the Oakland Coliseum for the A's and Angels. Sheets and Kazmir. Go A's.

9:12 p.m. - Am getting the feeling that, by the time this agony ends, I'll have invested three or four hours of my life that I'll never get back.

9:13 p.m. - Have decided that NASCAR is a lot like the NBA, I can catch the last five laps and basically see the whole race.

9:18 p.m. - Wood is heading to the 9th with a perfect game, with the score 0-0. Dude has the biggest zit on his left cheek that I've ever seen on TV.

9:19 p.m. - Carlos Ruiz doubles off Wood to break up the perfecto. Can't help but wonder if the pimple threw off his equilibrium before serving one up to Ruiz.

9:20 p.m. - Am thinking that, with that type of insight, maybe i should blog about baseball.

9:32 p.m. - Checked in on the race, but TNT was in commercial. No update here at this time. I will take credit for at the bare minimum...checking in on the race.

9:37 p.m. - #'s 7 and 21 crash a bit, very minor. almost deflating.

9:52 p.m. - off the phone with my bride, who is out of town this weekend...Looks like 2-4 Gordon has the lead. MY MAN! ''''git 'er done""""".....maybe a reason to keep the race on the favorite channel list...for now.

10:02 p.m. - Raj Davis goes deep for the A's...granny style. Kelly Green & Gold leads the Angels 8-0 in the third.

10:08 p.m. - The Tums car has taken the lead. I'm still nauseated from this attempt to make this sport exciting. Sorry.

10:09 p.m. - 50 laps to go, which is 51 too many.

10:22 p.m. - Tums guy still leads...Gordon fourth with around 20 miles left....Side note: I've gone to the bathroom six times during this race....Kudos to the drivers with more restraint than myself.

10:32 p.m. - Tums double-zero is the hero tonight with the win (yes, it finally ended) at Joliet. Glad I was able to track it..my life may never be the same.