Tradin' Paint on a Saturday Night

We gave the World Cup a go a few weeks ago - it feels like six months ago as that thing just won't end - and figure it is time to pony up and catch a NASCAR race.
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I have no clue why NASCAR is so popular, perhaps some insight tonight will help me out here a little bit..

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In an effort to fit it, I've googled a pre-race checklist for fans around the globe before they drop the starting flag (I'll admit, I don't know the color of the starting flag and don't care enought to look it up) in approximately 70 minutes.

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Let's have a glance at the checklist for tonight's big race, the Lifelock.com 400 from Joliet, Illinois....Lifelock.com 400? Wow, sponsorship must be a bit scarce.

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1 - Wash hands in motor oil to create greasy-fingernailed look. Check.

2 - Personal grooming - I showered today...but didn't shave. It'll have to be enough.Who knew?

3- Tin of Skoal and accompanying red party cup to spit in. Check.

4- Soiled John Deere cap, frontwards. Check.

5 - White tank top undergarment, or "wife beater" is on and ready to go. Will put appropriate stain on shirt later tonight. Check

6 - As I possess all of my teeth, I had to blacken out one tooth to meet requirement #6.

7 - Hone skills on southern drawl. ---Git 'er done!; Ya'll; Dam gummit!; Sheeeet!...Check.

8 - Beer. Check.

9 - Beer gut. Check.

10 - Official merchandise of favorite driver - Don't have a favorite driver so this isn't possible. I root for the 24 car as everyone, for some reason, seems to take a disliking to Jeff Gordon. For purposes of irritating as many people as possible, we'll go with the 24 car.

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I'm ready and I'm focused. 400 miles of thrilling action. Here we go:

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6:30 p.m. - I'll skip pre-game show. I have a life.

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7:40 p.m. - Where's the action, i thought we had a 7:30 start time. Think I'll watch some baseball while we wait.

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8:07 p.m. - We are 37 laps in and I have a headache. It's either my chewin' tobaccuh or i tied my bandana on too tightly. Something's gotta give here.

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8:17 p.m. - 11 baseball games on TV and Roy Halladay and Gavin Floyd are throwing peas for the Team Pugsley Baseball Club.

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8:18 p.m. - Note to self - They replay all crashes on Sportscenter tomorrow morning, like 28 times.

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8:20 p.m. - There is a Tums 00 car...wish I had some, watching this is nauseating.

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8:23 p.m. - More left turns

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8:32 p.m. - Look kids ! Big Ben, Parliament.

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8:37 p.m. - Random thought....what happens if a driver has to take a whiz? I can't drive down the street to get ice cream without having to go, much less drive 400 or 500 miles.

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8:45 p.m. - Cincinnati's Travis Wood is perfect thru 7 against the Phils...back to the race.

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8:48 p.m. - McMurray challenges for the lead against Johnson. ACTION! I think i might have wet myself....wait....wait....wait........nope, all clear in my world.

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9:02 p.m. - And around, and around, and around they go. On a good note, the baseball games are getting tighter in the later innings.

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9:05 - Wood is perfect thru 8, Reds and Phils tied 0-0.

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9:06 - Welcome to the Oakland Coliseum for the A's and Angels. Sheets and Kazmir. Go A's.

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9:12 p.m. - Am getting the feeling that, by the time this agony ends, I'll have invested three or four hours of my life that I'll never get back.

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9:13 p.m. - Have decided that NASCAR is a lot like the NBA, I can catch the last five laps and basically see the whole race.

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9:18 p.m. - Wood is heading to the 9th with a perfect game, with the score 0-0. Dude has the biggest zit on his left cheek that I've ever seen on TV.

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9:19 p.m. - Carlos Ruiz doubles off Wood to break up the perfecto. Can't help but wonder if the pimple threw off his equilibrium before serving one up to Ruiz.

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9:20 p.m. - Am thinking that, with that type of insight, maybe i should blog about baseball.

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9:32 p.m. - Checked in on the race, but TNT was in commercial. No update here at this time. I will take credit for at the bare minimum...checking in on the race.

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9:37 p.m. - #'s 7 and 21 crash a bit, very minor. almost deflating.

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9:52 p.m. - off the phone with my bride, who is out of town this weekend...Looks like 2-4 Gordon has the lead. MY MAN! ''''git 'er done""""".....maybe a reason to keep the race on the favorite channel list...for now.

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10:02 p.m. - Raj Davis goes deep for the A's...granny style. Kelly Green & Gold leads the Angels 8-0 in the third.

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10:08 p.m. - The Tums car has taken the lead. I'm still nauseated from this attempt to make this sport exciting. Sorry.

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10:09 p.m. - 50 laps to go, which is 51 too many.

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10:22 p.m. - Tums guy still leads...Gordon fourth with around 20 miles left....Side note: I've gone to the bathroom six times during this race....Kudos to the drivers with more restraint than myself.

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10:32 p.m. - Tums double-zero is the hero tonight with the win (yes, it finally ended) at Joliet. Glad I was able to track it..my life may never be the same.

World Cuppin' Saturday

Home on a rainy Saturday morning with my bride off on her day. Amid some housework, think I'll take in a soccer game while I prep for our evening together tonight.

Who knows, maybe I'm wrong about this "sport". The rest of the globe seems excited, let's give it a go. Maybe, just maybe, I'm on the wrong side of an opinion, which would be a first..

What a week in sports, the greatest trophy in the world (pictured on right), is awarded to the Chicago Blackhawks after a 49-year wait while the non-football playing world competes for the golden paper weight (pictured on left).
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Shouldn't the World Cup trophy be shaped like a foot? Makes sense to me.
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9:55 a.m. - Here come Argentina and Nigeria out of the tunnel! I'm on the edge of my seat as these two foes take the pitch. Wow....Ali-Frazier, Brady-Manning, Hulk-Hogan vs. Ric Flair...I haven't been this stoked since watching the 1988 "friendly" between the Ivory Coast and Honduras.
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10:00 a.m. - Underway in Johannesburg. The pace is slow and methodical. Shocker.

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10:02 a.m. - Nigeria #19 gets a good look and boots one from about 20 yards! Wow, he missed the goal by 20 feet, wide right. He could kick for Florida State.

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10:06 a.m. - GOOOOOOOAALLLLL..#6 on Argentina......Didn't see it, i decided to mop the kitchen floor. DAMN! 1-nil for the Cali Cartel....or is that Columbia?

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10:14 a.m. - Nigeria #15 is down and injured...I THINK HE'S BEEN SHOT! Oh, the humanity. Aren't there any police in Johannesburg?

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10:18 a.m. - Whew....#15 looks OK, running like the wind. And here I was nervously worried about his family, watching at home. Miraculous recovery? I'm wondering what meds the docs may have given him? Hmmmm.........Roids? Do they test for that in this sport? Amazing recuperative powers by #15.
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10:27 a.m. - Have made the bed, total productivity out of me today!

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10:32 a.m. - What is that damn humming noise in Ellis Park Stadium? Sounds like mosquitos to me. Business at the "Off" warehouse in Johannesburg must be booming. That, or there is going to be a serious malaria outbreak.
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Reason #8,491 that I'm glad I'm in America and not there.

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10:45 a.m. - Done with my bathroom break, relieved to find out that neither squad busted out the 2-minute offense in the closing moments of the first half. No Joe Montana, Kenny Stabler, or Tom Brady on the pitch today in South Africa.

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10:56 a.m. - What a first half!
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I swept and mopped the kitchen, 3 bedrooms and the front door area with only vaccuming to go on my self-appointed "to-do" list. This soccer thing is a great source of motivation for me. Maybe the boys in blue and green will ramp it up in half #2 and go no-huddle to open things up a bit.
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Given that there are 29 days of this riveting tourney until the finals, I'm thinking I'll have time to build an addition on the house if I keep watching.
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11:25 a.m. - Just woke from my nap, felt like two hours but was really 29 minutes. Anyone know how to remove drool stains from couch pillows? I'll hear about that one.
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11;32 a.m. - They keep yelling the name "Messy", can't be talking about my house. Nope, not today.

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11:33 a.m. - In the 75th minute, wondering when Nigeria will pull the goalkeeper for an extra attacker. Only 15 minutes left, not including injury time, whatever the hell that is.
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11:34 a.m. - Oh! Yellow card on Nigeria - no idea what that means. Question, as i think aloud...if they pull out a green card during soccer games on U.S. soil, does that cause panic?

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At least in Arizona.
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11:52 a.m. - Final in Johannesburg: Argentina 1, Nigeria nil.
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Can't say I didn't give it a shot 'cuz I did. I came into this thing not liking the sport and that hasn't changed. Perhaps if the rest of the world would hear of a game called "football", this world cup thing would go away.

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It is different that basketball, where you can tune in for the last two minutes of a game to see how it ends. In soccer, it is a slow, painstaking, brutally boring exhibition that lasts roughly 120 minutes.

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Meaning, this is two hours of my life that I'll never get back. After all, I'm never wrong.

Wanna Play? Just a Few Que$tion$ For You and Your Momma

This story is starting to die down so someone has to keep it alive.

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Sure, Miami General Manager Jeff Ireland was a hair over the line when he asked the newest Dallas Cowboy Dez Bryant if his mother was a prostitute during a pre-draft interview.

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Okay, slightly over the line, for most people.

Not me.

Folks, we're talking the National Football League here, not an accounting temp position. We're talking the Big Boy league for some even bigger Big Boy bucks.

You have to know what you're buying. How deep are the skeletons in the family closet? It matters. Were they trying to draw a response to see how he'd handle it?

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For that amount of cabbage, there are no boundries.

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For $20 million bucks, you can ask me anything you want. Nothing to hide here. Don't worry about my feelings, you can't ask anything that a big, fat signing bonus won't cure.

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My childhood? Ask away. Those allegations concerning the 2 chickens and the cow? Just allegations. Convicted? No, never convicted (Winger, John).....That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

When do I get paid? That is the appropriate response.

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Remember, the NFL is a tough business. As I've said before, if you can't hack it, go play soccer.

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More NFL draft

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Haven't been this happy with Mr. Davis and the braintrust in years. Rolando McClain was the guy I wanted and we got 'em. Add Jason Campbell to the mix as my quarterback and I'm downright giddy.

Any quarterback who weighs more than I do shouldn't be a QB. He should be a lineman. JaMarcus, don't let the door hit your lazy ass on they way out.

Tim Tebow? You serious? That pick outdoes makes the Darrius Heyward-Bey pick look like pure genius (not that you asked, but DH-B is gonna have a big year this year.

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I couldn't have scripted it better. Timmy Rah-Rah goes to Denver and to seal Josh McDaniels' fate in that craphole.

Uhhhhhhh.............BUST!

Six Down......10 To Go

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I'd be remiss if I didn't say I'm enjoying the Bruin's ride through the playoffs.

Happy to see Marc "Vamp" Savard back in the lineup and I needed a reason to mention Tuuuuuuuuukka Rask in this spot for the first time.

Keep it going boys.

D-Bag of the Year nominees - We started with Gilbert Arenas, moved to the brat Lane Kiffin, added Ben Roethlisberger and now are staring at Barber, Tiki, and Carcillo, Dan in our search for the D-Bag of the Year in sports.

Mr. Selfish Tiki Barber was linked to a 23-year old associate while his wife was home pregnant with twins. I'd say I'm surprised but this guy always was a me-first tool.

I hate the Giants, always will, but was happy they won the Super Bowl the year after Tiki let slip his retirement intentions a month into the season in an attempt to give himself a farewell tour.

To get a farewell sendoff, people have to care about you first, idiot.

A special shoutout to NBC ridding my television set of Mr. Barber.

Carcillo, Dan - this tool should be in an exhibit in the Philly Zoo in a cage marked "Dickhead". I'm all for rough stuff on the ice, but Carcillo is a joke. Here's hoping my boy Looch rips his head off before the Bruins excuse the Flyers from the playoffs.

Is it fitting to end the blog that began with Dez Bryant by wishing Momma's everywhere a happy Mother's Day?
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It wasn't the plan, but neither is most of what I do.