Friday, March 6, 2009

Confessions of a Juicer

First apology of the column - yes, I am aware it has been 26 days since my last post.
I've been hesitant, but the time has come.
I cannot live with this deep, dark secret any longer.

If my heroes, such as Jason Giambi, A-Roid, and Jose Canseco can admit it, so can I.
Yes, I’m on the ‘roids. The Juice. Gym Candy.
I'd like to apologize to my wife, my family, my friends, all my wonderful fans, and most of all, THE GAME that has given me so much in this life.

I know, you’re shocked. I was always pretty buff (see right)……… but even I had to turn to the dark side.

Be clear (pun intended), it isn’t a cream and my butt hasn’t been injected with anything……ever. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!).

I take juice the old fashioned way, in the form of a pill. Unlike A-Roid, I’m leaving my cousins out of this one. I got my “helpers” from a legit “doctor”, at least that is what I call him.
Like Andy Pettitte and many others, I’m on the juice to help rehab from a physical ailment. Seriously.

The dreaded foot infection.

Sure, I’m now able to type 180 words a minute – error free, of course – and my accounting skills have never been better on the day job. Heck, I’ve already closed our first quarter of the year and we still have one month to go before the quarter ends.

The downsides to my new hobby? There are a few but I’m managing to deal with them.

Roid Rage? No problem. I’m a menace on the roads anyway so what’s the difference ?

True, a coach tried avoiding a direct question after I did a hoop game the other night. I got in his face and got the answers I wanted. I call that “results”.

At the day job, I expend the extra anger the juice affords me by calling deadbeat clients who have a hard time putting the pen and the checkbook together.

Shriveled ‘Nads? Again, no problem. I’m old anyway. It was inevitable.

The lesson? Well, I feel better, almost cleansed in coming out of the 'Roid closet. Where is Peter Gammons? While I don't have a pretty blue sweater like A-Roid, I'd welcome an interview.
Memo to any ALLEGED 'roiders......Roger, and Barry, and you too Raffy and Big Mac among others....... come clean, you might just feel a wee bit better.
For me, I only have three more days of magic left in my un-refillable bottle.

Wonder if A-Roid’s cousin is available for a phone call?

1 comment:

mdtnelson said...

Cream on your butt? Bachelor references? A Blow Up Doll as a photo? I must be on the wrong blog myself....